Tuesday, May 02, 2006

If you're really listening
If you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world,
your heart breaks regularly.
In fact, your heart is made to break,
it's purpose is to burst open again and again
so that it can hold evermore wonder.
-Andrew Harvey

Julie sent this to me this morning (thanks Julie!) and it comes at a perfect time. Like I said earlier, I'm reflective in May, sometimes to my detriment. See, the problem is that often times, I miss the old me. Now, I'm certainly happy that I am not lying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position unable to go outside. But, I know that I don't FEEL as passionately as I once did. I used to be amazed. I miss the euphoria that comes with truly knowing beauty and pain. It's hard to say which came first, depression or being hyper-attune to the world. But the two went hand in hand for me. And now, for preservation, I hide behind walls and partitions, trying to protect my heart and my mind. Until I can learn to stay awake without killing myself.

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