Sunday, November 18, 2007

It is the Lord's Day

I was going through an old box of notes when I found a portion of a folder from Junior year of high school. Amid the song quotes was this one:

"In love there can be no fear, but fear is driven out by perfect love: because to fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love."

If there is any doubt that I was raised hard core Catholic, the fact that I was quoting John 4:17 between REM lyrics and heart doodles should clear that up.

Also good to know that 20 years later, I am still afraid.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's the other way

A few years ago, I dated someone briefly between tragically normal Dan and Miguel. Much like the situation in the previous post, I wanted it to work more than I knew it would. I just dreaded having the conversation. I am so often on the other side of the fence, I sometimes think I'd rather drag something out until they break up with me. I don't do confrontation well. But, I bit the bullet after days of anxiety We made plans to have drinks and he came to pick me up.

Me: So, I don't think I want to do this.

J: Are you sure?

Me: Have I slept with you yet? Even though we've been out more than once.

J: No. I see your point. (pause) OK.

Me: Can we go get drunk now?

J: Sure, I'll drive. But you don't get the seat warmer turned on. We have to differentiate this somehow.

Me: Fair enough.

And it pretty much went the same with the boy from below. I belabored making the call for days. But, I did and 10 minutes later we were making plans to go see a movie next week. I know that there are some people who think I am just running away from commitment and happiness, but I really know I did the right thing. I don't think you can talk or rationalize yourself into something that isn't entirely there. Sometimes, a strong friendship can be all there is. He and I both deserve the whole awesome.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

You want it to be one way

but it's the other.

I'm pretty sure that no one but Miguel (6 months silent)* would know why I quoted this, but this Wire line runs through my head all the time. I DO want it to be one way. I DON'T want it to be another. And it always is.

Because, right now, someone awesome wants to be with me. He knows me, knows the crazy, knows all. And yet, I don't feel it. I want to. I do. I talked to Orange tonight. He told me to try again. I told him that I'll probably fuck up and date an idiot again.

What's the trade? In a pie chart of relationship, sex rates about 80%. How do I fudge that?

*choice man, conscious choice