Sunday, April 09, 2006

Position needs filling

I wrote these words to someone about six months ago.

"I'm losing the feeling of us, of you, of what that felt like. And so instead of intense pain, I feel a phantom pain from a lost limb. And I don't know which is worse. Because it bothers me that we can move to this place. This out of love place. Because this is where we truly let go, b/c I am letting go. And we won't know each other the way we used to. I can't decide which I would rather have. This new place is less painful, but it leaves me feeling cold. I know I'm not doing an adequate job explaining the philosophical tidbits of this. Because this isn't just about you and I, it's the larger picture. We forget people, we move on, we replace. It's what we do. We only look for people to fill the archetypal roles of "significant other".

And then I did it, I moved on. I replaced him with someone else, someone different, but someone who essentially fell into the pattern of relationship. Phone calls, text messages, emails were transferred from one to the other. And now that person is gone. And it occurs to me that I miss him more than I thought I would. But I think it's just because I am sick of this cycle. This is why I have been dubbed a "terrible breaker upper". It isn't because I can't let go, it's knowing that I can which devastates me.

No comments: