I want you all (the 2 of you out there) to tell me a story about your worst date ever. I'll go first.
I think the worst aspect of this story is that this terrible date was not a first date. We had actually been dating for a month. But then, I went to scavenger hunt and realized that my friends were more exciting when sleeping that he was on his best day. We had scheduled plans for when I got back. In retrospect, I should have just broken up with him immediately. Um, yeah. Instead, I tried to just get out of our plans. But when he protested, my Catholic guilt took over and I agreed to an early dinner. And here's where it all goes so terribly wrong.
Warning sign #1: He picks me up and informs me we are having dinner nowhere near my house. I said that I had to be at work early the next morning, and yet we are leaving the city (which apparently had no restaurants) to go to Manayunk (no offense Zo, just not what I had in mind).
Have you ever watched those couples at a restaurant where one person is talking incessantly and the other person is staring at you, telepathically wishing you would save them from their evening?
And then, he asks: “do you mind if we stop and drop off something before I take you home?”
Me: hell yes “um, again, have to get up early. Is it close?” (see catholic guilt)
Him: “30 minutes and I’ll have you home.”
Warning sign #2: for anyone in Philadelphia, we get on Roosevelt Blvd toward NE Philadelphia. I am in a car and now fully aware that there is nothing quick about this errand.
Warning sign #3: we eventually end up pulling into a Best Western parking lot. Huh, what? Worse, I see a sign announcing an open mic comedy night.
Me: “What the fuck are we doing?”
Him: “I have to give a check to someone and then we are out.”
Warning sign #4: we walk into a room of 50 guys and one other female. He hands over the check, I start walking out.
Him: “I have to run to the bathroom.”
Me: for some reason, I don’t ask for the car keys. No, I stay in the geek cave.
And for the moment you have been waiting for. While he’s in the bathroom, the MC yells from the stage, “hey red! What’s your name?”
Me: are you fucking kidding me? “wendyrella”
At this moment he returns, with a fucking beer! Not zero, not two, but one.
Me: “one beer???!!!!???”
Him: “you said you had to be at work early”
Me: I knew there was a reason I didn’t sleep with you!” clearly takes beer from his hand and drinks it.
Moment no one, most especially me, saw coming.
From the stage: “hey wendyrella, this next comic is going to make you get all soupy in your pants!”
Him: “how does he know your name?”
Me: “because I fucked him while you were getting a beer. Can we fucking go?”
Longest. Car ride. Ever.
We pull up to my house, he tries to find parking.
Me: “What are you doing?”
Him: “looking for a spot.”
Me: “Yeah, you really think you are ever sleeping in my bed again?”
I walk in the house, tell Kwame the whole story, grab a beer.
Kwame: “and that’s the last we’ll be seeing of him!”