Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot

Miguel asked me yesterday if I thought it was possible to still define someone in our age range as a slut. Having slept with him on Sunday and with someone else on Monday, it hit a bit close to home. He decided that it probably boiled down to intention. I debated that it depended on how the person defined it for himself. In either definition, I’m feeling like a slut.

I shouldn’t have slept with Miguel. We had a perfectly awkward rated G date on Friday that left me feeling as if we had never met before, much less been in love. When I woke up on Saturday and realized someone was in my bed, I felt disappointed that he wasn’t someone else. It was unbelievably depressing. So clearly, I let him spend the night on Saturday and slept with him. Why? A myriad of answers, none of them make any sense, except of course the one I gave to the other boy when he asked the question. “Might as well get off”.

I shouldn’t have slept with the other boy, but that’s entirely less complicated. I do stupid things. I am constantly throwing the drama dice and pretending that my emotional life is dictated by fate rather than by me. I always choose the immediate over the prudent. I like this boy who was only supposed to help me heal from Miguel. I like this boy because I want to win. I slept with him because I wanted to and it was important that he wanted to. And yet, I’ve now lost this boy. Because he shouldn’t have slept with me. Because even if I ever did win, I wouldn’t trust him. Because ultimately “might as well get off” applies to this scenario as well. For both of us.

So now, I’ve lost them both and am truly alone. For a year and a half, I’ve been falling back on Miguel emotionally, if only to express disappointment and anger. For eight months, I’ve felt a strange sense of comfort in the other one, even if it was false. Both of them suffer from the same problem. They stand poised, ready to come through for me, but never quite doing so. But I guess the problem is really mine, because I keep watching their stance, hoping.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anonymous says: damn. damn. damn.

wendyrella said...

I'm gonna need some translation on that one.

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