The kid emailed me and asked what happened to my entertaining misadventures. I don’t have as many without him, the kid could make the DMV impound lot fun. I think he’ll like this one.
I used to work in a weird industrial park. During walks at lunch, my co-worker and I would play “guess how many hypodermic needles we’ll find”. I usually took the over and won. One day, I was walking our normal loop alone. On what is normally a raceway, a man pulled along side me on a bicycle. It’s summer, and he is in layers. I wouldn’t say he was homeless, but if we were playing “your boyfriend!”, he would have been a good assignation.
MB (my boyfriend): “Do you need a ride?”
Me: “um, I’m ok. I’m walking.” And you are on a bike.
MB: “Because I think you are really pretty. I have a car I can go get. It’s just down the road.”
He points to the river.
Me: “really, it’s ok.”
MB: “Do you want to be my girlfriend? You’re probably married. Are you married? Do you have any friends that might want to date me?”
Me, back at my office on email: Dear Miguel, who says I don’t have options?
But wait, there’s more. Fast forward seven months to a ding dong. Our office required visitors to be buzzed in. The doorbell rang about every 2 minutes. Let’s just say, that no one was usually looking through the peephole.
Disclosure: I was the one who was supposed to be doing the peeping and I couldn’t be bothered.
MB: “Hi. Remember me? Are you still married? Can I use your bathroom?”
Me: “um, sure?” fuck.
Me to the office floor: “So, some guy who wants to date me is probably taking a bath in the men’s room right now. Anyone with snarky comments is going to feel some philly girl wrath. Oh, and can someone call security?”
Me, later on email: Dear Orange, who says I don’t have options?
(Kid, I miss you! Clerks II and Snakes on a Plane won't be the same without you. Maybe I'll invite MB.)