My Ancient Chinese Secret

So Friday night, I was in my PJs. But around 10:30, I decided I was rammy*. I put on clothes and went to meet Seb. While we were listening to some amazing DJ, Seb went up to someone at the bar and said hello. I couldn't see the person he was talking to. He returned and asked if I knew the other person. "um, yeah. last time we saw each other/first time we met, we made out and then I ran away". I subsequently called Orange, told him I hated subtacular kissers and that I missed him. We got back together as a result. But, I digress. So, after I told Seb the story, I felt that I should go say hello to the other boy (Boy A). Except, I didn't know which one he was. I didn't remember. I narrowed it down to two, picked one, and danced on over. I asked his name, ready to explain. But, it wasn't him. It was someone else. Who now thought I was interested. I ended up bringing him home, because, ya know. The next morning, as we were reviewing the evening's events, he asked me if I had ever met Boy A, because "he's really cool". I didn't have the heart or courage to explain.

This is not the first time that mistaken identity has gotten me busy.

*rammy = rambunctious tied in with trouble making and shenanigan seeking, just in case you didn't know.

27 is the new black

My last 3 boyfriends have all been my age. A formula that clearly has some flaws, as evidenced by how those relationships turned out. And so, in an effort to mix it up, I've been hooking up with 27 year olds. An age that I feel pretty close to. Yet, I did some math which really frightened me at the "when I was 21, they were 14". Does that make me like Wooderson?

Today's topic

Bad poetry written by a 22 year old...

It's the air that brings it back
The smell of Halloween
I used to be crazy
Do you remember?
It was raining
And the road was full of leaves
And my anger hit
Like warm breath during the first cold snap

...written to commemorate my first serious suicide attempt, the October I was 19. But, I'm never sure if that was accurate. I had pathetically attempted that August, with OTC drugs. I ended up asleep on my bathroom floor til noon. And two weeks before the "serious", I tried to slit my wrists. I even knew the secret, but I was too much of a wimp to go deep enough. And I was drunk. Essentially, I ended up having to bring wrist bands back way before their time. Or scaring unsuspecting gas station attendants when my sleeves pulled up. No, this was the first time that included charcoal and hospitalization. The latter one gets more press, but this is the one I remember. And I feel a small twinge when the air starts to change, like it did last week. But, I am reminded how strong I am now, even in my moments of despair. This is the one that empowers me. It's good to acknowledge, and then move on.

one would think

when having sleeping issues, revolving around nightmares, perhaps watching Buffy is not a good idea. Especially, this episode, featuring this guy.
however, I think I have a shot at the 18 year old video store worker who was impressed by my Buffy knowledge.

Magic ipod

Miguel had me do this a few months ago. It's like magic 8ball, but with your mp3 player of choice. Put it on random, and ask the following questions. No cheating. I decided to do it for my CD club mix. here's mine. If you want a copy, let me know. Or if you do it, let me know your results.

How does the world see me?
Float On - Modest Mouse
"And we'll all float on ok"

Will I have a happy life?
Naïve Melody (cover) – The Arcade Fire*
“And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead”

What do my friends really think of me?
Dear Prudence - The Beatles
“The sun is up. the sky is blue. it's beautiful. and so are you."

Do people secretly lust after me?
License to Confuse - Sebadoh
"i'm not attractive today. i'm not a sight for sore eyes."

How can I make myself happy?
Get Right – JLo (feat Fabolous)
“Can't a woman take advantage of what she wants?”

What should I do with my life?
Let Go – Bugs (feat Storm Large)
“consider the possibility of wasted opportunity…free yourself, let go”

What is some good advice for me?
Sacrifice – The Roots (feat Nelly Furtado)
“I tell you one lesson I learned
If you want to be something in life
You ain't gonna get it unless
You give a little bit of sacrifice
Ooohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry”

How will I be remembered?
Hey Now Now – the cloud room
“or we find a new reason, a new way of living
and we breathe it in and try to dream again”

What is my signature dancing song?
Starry Eyed Surprise – paul oakenfold
“I can do anything
Freaky deaky, star speckles and pink butterflies”

What do I think my current theme song is?
Moon Over the Freeway – The Ditty Bops
“It's warm, my favorite song comes on
Let's roll the windows down and drive
It feels like summer is a comin' round the corner
Here she comes”

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Close Your Eyes – The Chemical Brothers (feat Magic Numbers)
“In your eyes I can see that you're cracking up.
In your eyes I can see that you fell in love
and it pains my head”

What song will they play at my funeral?
Angels – Jacques Gelee

What type of men/women do I like?
Detroit Has a Skyline – Superchunk
“I had a crush,nothing works out”

What is my day/night going to be like?
Water - Dinosaur Jr.
"What will you let it do to you?"

What one thing could I not live without?
Planet Earth – Duran Duran
“Only came outside to watch the nightfall with the rain”

* I included the original Talking Heads version in my CD, because it's the better version, but I was playing by the rules...

Reality

Remember it's not real

More Ghost Stories

7 years ago, I had my last severe break down. And I survived it. Mostly, I survived because 7 years ago today, another friend did not. He opted out. And we were all left behind, dealing with our demons. The night of the wake, we got drunk. Pop Pop cornered me, tears in his eyes, and yelled at me. He told me that we couldn't go through this again, that I wasn't allowed to cause this kind of pain. The week after the funeral, I took off across the country, trying to run away from my head. I ended up back in Philly, locked in own suicidal thoughts. But, I had to figure out how to live. Because, for the first time ever, I truly knew what it would do to others. And I decided that my misery was nothing compared to causing it to others who simply loved me.

I fought and I won.

I think about him alot, because I owe him my life. And I feel so sad that I could not return the favor. I hope he found the peace he needed.

Who ya gonna call?

About 12 years ago, I moved into an apartment that I was convinced was haunted. For the first few months I lived there, every couple of nights, I would wake up with the feeling that someone was in the room with me. They would sit on top of the covers and I’d be unable to move. It would last a few minutes, or a seeming eternity.
At first, I was terrified. But then, it felt soothing as this “ghost” sat on my bed and rubbed my back.
It eventually stopped and I moved, leaving the ghost behind.

Doing some research, it seems what I experienced is known as sleep paralysis. Looking back, it stopped when my addiction to sleeping pills started. About a year ago, I experienced it again. But, this time I knew the cause. I had taken too much 5htp and couldn’t get out of REM sleep. It wore off, my normal sleep patterns (lousy as they are) returned.

That is until this past August. Starting with a housesitting gig and continuing when I moved into my new house, I’m experiencing it all over again. Except this time, the “ghost” isn’t rubbing my back, but rather trying to steal my soul. I’ve had four really intense episodes, which left me wide awake for hours waiting for the dawn. I try to explain it rationally away when it happens, but it’s scary and nightmarish. I feel a bit like I’m cracking up, and not in the usual wendyrella way.

So, if I start asking if you are the gatekeeper, call Bill Murray please.

Beyond Beliefs

We didn’t have cable. Just crazy bad network TV. Which was ok with him because he only really watched PBS and Discovery anyway. One night I let him in on my secret interest. I kept apologizing, he told me he liked it. A few days later, I was in the kitchen when I heard him say to my roommate, “Watch this.”

Him:“Hey sweetie, can you come in here?”
I walked in to see a woman talking on the television. There was no name under her.
Him: “Honey, who is that?”
Me: “Elaine Pagels. I love her.”
Him to my roommate: “I told you she would know. isn’t that cute? She has a favorite biblical historian that she can recognize on sight.”

I miss him. More than I thought I would. More than I should. But I was most real with him, more real than I’ve been with anyone in a while. And he was more influential than anyone probably knows, or that I would have guessed when we first got together. he’s why I’m in educational boot camp now, doing it with both feet in it. I’ve said it before, but being a grown-up is hard. It’s all about timing and maturity. And finding someone that you can let in on your dirty little secrets.

It's so fun. why stop?

When I was the tender age of 22, I moved in with an old friend whom I hadn't spent much time with in the years leading up to this point. The first night that we lived together was a circus of hilarious events including many strangers (to both she and me) arriving at the apartment at various hours of the night after much debauchery. I then had to leave the shambles and the people behind and be at work at 8am the next day. I called her to apologize for arriving into her life like a hurricane and promised, "it won't always be like this."

this past weekend, after turning 34, I called her and said, "I finally realize it will always be like this."

Thanks to all who celebrated with me in reality and spirit this weekend. It was a great reminder that I will never grow up, I really don't want to, and that I still believe my friends have more fun in a day than most people do in a lifetime.

Soap box derbys and millions of champagnes. What could be better?