It is the Lord's Day

I was going through an old box of notes when I found a portion of a folder from Junior year of high school. Amid the song quotes was this one:

"In love there can be no fear, but fear is driven out by perfect love: because to fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love."

If there is any doubt that I was raised hard core Catholic, the fact that I was quoting John 4:17 between REM lyrics and heart doodles should clear that up.

Also good to know that 20 years later, I am still afraid.

It's the other way

A few years ago, I dated someone briefly between tragically normal Dan and Miguel. Much like the situation in the previous post, I wanted it to work more than I knew it would. I just dreaded having the conversation. I am so often on the other side of the fence, I sometimes think I'd rather drag something out until they break up with me. I don't do confrontation well. But, I bit the bullet after days of anxiety We made plans to have drinks and he came to pick me up.

Me: So, I don't think I want to do this.

J: Are you sure?

Me: Have I slept with you yet? Even though we've been out more than once.

J: No. I see your point. (pause) OK.

Me: Can we go get drunk now?

J: Sure, I'll drive. But you don't get the seat warmer turned on. We have to differentiate this somehow.

Me: Fair enough.

And it pretty much went the same with the boy from below. I belabored making the call for days. But, I did and 10 minutes later we were making plans to go see a movie next week. I know that there are some people who think I am just running away from commitment and happiness, but I really know I did the right thing. I don't think you can talk or rationalize yourself into something that isn't entirely there. Sometimes, a strong friendship can be all there is. He and I both deserve the whole awesome.

You want it to be one way

but it's the other.

I'm pretty sure that no one but Miguel (6 months silent)* would know why I quoted this, but this Wire line runs through my head all the time. I DO want it to be one way. I DON'T want it to be another. And it always is.

Because, right now, someone awesome wants to be with me. He knows me, knows the crazy, knows all. And yet, I don't feel it. I want to. I do. I talked to Orange tonight. He told me to try again. I told him that I'll probably fuck up and date an idiot again.

What's the trade? In a pie chart of relationship, sex rates about 80%. How do I fudge that?

*choice man, conscious choice