I've been called to explain lately what I'm doing to clear this brain cloud of late. And today, I realized I'm missing the simple answer. Rather than feeling inadequate because I've only been to the gym 4 times in the past two weeks, or because I haven't gotten to try accupuncture, I need to just say this: I'm getting up every day. I'm getting dressed every day. Most days I shower. I'm going to work when it is expected of me. I usually leave the house at least once. I still smile once or twice a day. Seems simple, right? stupid even to brag about*. But 8 years ago, this wasn't the case. The war in my brain would have stopped everything. I would have dropped out of grad school, curled up, and froze. Or I would've decide to not take sub jobs and lie about it. But no, even though I am only doing what most people manage to accomplish with the same thought they give to breathing, I realize it is a huge accomplishment for me. And I'm winning the war. That's what I'm doing to help myself.
*yes, Chris Rock might find this cause for derision. Fuck it.
"You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want some credit for some shit they supposed to do. For some shit they just supposed to do: A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids."
You're supposed to, you dumb mothafucka. What are you talkin' about? What are you braggin' about? What kind of ignorant shit is that?
"I ain't never been to jail."
What do you want, a cookie?
You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation having mothafucka."